91 more days to go to the Tactical Strength Challenge!! Today is a work out day:
2 min of kettlebell snatching with 18 lb. - 23 per minute
30 minutes of swinging the 44 lb. kettle bell 5 swings per minute
So, it's long and it's going to eat my hands up!!
I'm driving to Pittsburgh today to spend 4th of July weekend with my boyfriend -- so I'll do the workout when I get there.
Last night I celebrated my youngest daughter, Annie's, 21st birthday!! I am exactly 30 years older than her. I remember when I had her, I felt like such an old mom. But, I had two more children in my 30's, so it doesn't feel that way anymore!!
I loved being able to spend her birthday with her. When I have a day like yesterday, I don't question what I'm still doing here. Other days, I have so many questions, it's hard to think.
I'm reading H. W. Brands' book on Theodore Roosevelt. I'm only 20 pages in and I believe it to be my favorite of his, and he has a lot. It's huge too. It's like 700 pages. We will see how I feel as I go. Theodore is an interesting character to study. He began his life very ill. He struggled with asthma at an age when they didn't know what to. His parents probably didn't expect him to live very long.
Not only did he live long, he became a President. I can't wait to read how a sickly little boy grew up to be one of our most famous presidents.
BELIEVE YOU CAN AND YOU ARE HALFWAY THERE.
That was one of his famous quotes. Somewhere in that little child was a belief that not only could he survive his asthma, he could be president one day.
I'm not sure what I believe about myself anymore. My beliefs are pretty small in comparison. I believe I was given the gift of being able to dye yarn and make it into something beautiful. I believe I know how to homeschool my youngest son. And, I believe I try very hard each day to do what I can do to make those around me better because I'm here.
I don't believe I'm here to be President of the United States!!
But, since I am still here. I don't believe I'm finished.
"Only the courageous plan fear." Robert Schwartz
94 more days!! Yes, yes and yes to the above statement.
There is no way we would decide to come into this life and think there would be no fear. But, we did it anyway. We knew we were coming into a scary world and yet, given the option, we chose to come here. In most instances, again and again and again.
Speaking for myself, I know the only way I would do such a thing is if I knew that if I tried real hard, I could figure some things out, it would be worth it. If I didn't think there was an ultimate plan, I would have just stayed in pure, positive, all loving conditions and watched Earth from afar.
But, I didn't. I came. I've lived. I've lived way longer than I really thought I would. I've learned. I've learned way more than I ever thought I would. I've given birth to life. I felt the contractions of six little human beings come into this world. If that alone was my purpose, it was worth it.
And, there is a good chance it just might be that. I won't know til I leave. So what am I going to do today? Learn as much as I can. Feel as much as I can. Love as much as I can. Even if my learning, feeling and loving is only experienced by me.
My dear children and grandchildren -- if you read this some day -- please know that's all you can do.
Live for today. Have fun today.
96 More Days!! Today was my first day of my 12 week training program. I'm going to outline what I did -- sorry kids, if this is boring, but maybe one day you will be curious --
23 snatches at the top of the minute for two minutes using the 18 lb. kettlebell
5 swings with the 44 lb. kettlebell at the top of the minute for 18 minutes alternating arms
And last, but not least, deadlift 115 lbs. for 18 sets of one -- basically one at the top of the minute for 18 minutes.
It was a very long workout and I sweat like hell -- but -- I definitely didn't feel too taxed at the end.
Let's see how I feel tomorrow about it. I did rip a callous which I am really unhappy about!!
Last night, Ian, my 16 almost 17 year old, and I went to see Kevin James in Atlantic City. He was hysterical! I'm so happy I did it. Sometimes I can talk myself out of doing spontaneous things like that. I hope he never forgets how much fun we had. I know I won't. Here's a small clip from one of Kevin's recent stand ups:
I finished "When Breath Becomes Air" today. I can not say enough about this book!! Read it. You will not be disappointed. Here's my last quote from it:
"I can't go on. I'll go on."
He would say those seven words every time he felt like he couldn't go on. The book did not change my mind about chemo. I can't imagine ever thinking it would be a good thing for me. He tried so many treatments and in the end, he had way more bad days than good days.
I don't think you need to have cancer to have those days when you feel like you can't go on. I have them. Maybe they are called "hormones" and not "cancer." But, they are still there. So, from now on, if I have one of those days and I hear myself in my head saying, "I can't go on." I'll immediately follow it with, "I'll go on."
I'm also finishing H.W. Brands book on Ulysses S. Grant. Which means tomorrow is a new day. Two new books to start -- H. W. Brands book on Theodore Roosevelt and Bill O'Reilly's new book called "Legends and Lies." Can you tell I love history??
I had breakfast with Annie this morning -- I missed her so much. She loved her trip to Italy and she looks WAY more grown up than when she left. Of course, it is her birthday on Thursday - 21! I am in awe of her every day. And, if you ever read this some day, I hope you know how much I love you!!
My boyfriend and his daughter are on their way here. Time to eat some pizza and watch some Scandal!!
Day 97 til October 1st! I start my real training on Monday. I'm not supposed to do anything today and tomorrow except for light walking. Whatever that means. But I am pretty psyched about starting.
I didn't write for the last two days because I've really been trying to process something about myself that I wish I didn't have to. There seemed to be pain that has cropped up which I couldn't quite explain away. For most of you who know me, you know the childhood trauma I experienced from the age of 2 to 18. For those of you who don't, I'm not going to detail it here, but just know it was a severe form of sexual and mental abuse from my father.
I've been watching a lot of Teal Swan videos on Youtube because she experienced a lot of what I did. Until recently, I had myself pretty convinced I've experienced all of the normal ptsd from the abuse. And, I thought I was completely healed.
That is, until recently. I've been noticing a kind of emptiness I haven't been able to kick. And, what I think I've discovered is that I have a form of co-dependency. I don't understand it all, but I think the more I can heal, the less I will torture those who love me.
Other than obsessing over Youtube to try and heal myself (I've had my fill of therapists), I'm still reading "When Breath Becomes Air" and into the third season of "Scandal."
Here's a promo for Season 3, Episode 8:
My daughter, Annie, who turns 21 this week, is on her way home from a 2 1/2 week vacation in Italy. I've missed her being around way more than I thought I would.
Here is a clip about Paul Kalanithi - "When Breath Becomes Air."
I will get more into the co-dependency thing when I understand it more. I'm only using the term because I don't have another term for it. This is the point -- the more layers of your true self which become healed -- the more layers which still need to be healed have room to come forward. I look at this as a step forward -- not back. We come here to learn and grow. The day I become stagnant in my growth is the day of my death.
Today is day 100!! Why does that matter? Who knows? I'm a numbers girl - so numbers always matter to me. It feels important so I'm going to make it important.
How am I going to make it important? I'm going to start walking 2 miles every day on top of my other training. I feel like walking is the best way to get my cardio training a little elevated to be able to do my kettle bell snatches quicker. And, it just makes you feel good. If it rains or is too hot, I'll just go to the gym.
I have to say, yesterday was not as much fun as I wanted it to be. I had to drive back from my boyfriend's house in Pittsburgh, and no matter how hard I try - it's just not fun. And, when I get home, I am sad because I miss him.
I did figure something out while I was driving. I love learning about the Law of Attraction. I have not figured it all out -- it's a learning process. But, I may have stumbled upon something yesterday that made a little sense. Twice in 24 hours I've had something manifest that I did not want to manifest.
1. I LOVE being cool while I sleep. I kept looking at the temperatures for Pittsburgh to make sure the nights were going to be cool, because the upstairs air conditioner doesn't work very well. And then, the air conditioner broke. On the last night, it never got cooler than 75 degrees, which to me is HOT to sleep in.
2. I didn't want to drive in the rain. My tires need to be replaced and I've been very hesitant to drive in the rain until I get them replaced. Halfway home, I hit the worst flash flood I've ever had to drive in with trucks on all sides around me.
The link between these two things was my wording prior to either one of them happening. With both of these events, in my head, I heard myself say, "I just don't want it to be hot." "I just don't want to drive in the rain."
To two words, "hot" and "rain," were the words the universe heard. So, it gave me hot and rain. I need to focus more on what I want, than on what I DON'T want.
Better wording would be this -- "I want it to be cool when I sleep." "I want the sun to shine my whole drive."
It's a process -- I'm learning -- Wayne Dyer so poignantly said - "You get what you think about whether you like it or not." Ok, Wayne, ok!!
I'm still reading "When Breath Becomes Air." All I can say is "UNBELIEVABLE!!" Read it.
Here's a video I found on Youtube about Paul Kalanithi, the author:
102 days left to go. I did not work out yesterday. BUT... I did receive my training schedule which begins next Monday. I began today by doing some light swings with the 35 lb. kettlebell. 10 swings on each arm for 10 minutes. It felt great since I'm very used to swinging the 44 lb. I did one get up on each side with the 26 lb. I'm going to stick with this all week. Take Saturday and Sunday off and begin on Monday with the real thing.
At the bottom of the training schedule, he said to do nothing but what's on the schedule except for light walking. So, I may do some walking every night also. We shall see.
What did I do yesterday??? If you guessed lay out by the pool -- you would be right!!! Nothing raises your vibration more than laying out by the pool.
I also watched A LOT of Scandal and went out for ribs -- ate more ice cream than I should have, but whatever!!
Here's a great quote from Season 1, Episode 6:
"What kind of a coward was I to marry her and not wait for you to show up?"
Boy, does that resonate. Not with my first marriage. With him, I thought it was destiny for us to be married. But, with my second marriage, I knew he resented me. I knew he really didn't like me that much. I thought if I apologized enough or somehow made up to him the things he thought I did wrong, we could somehow make it. Looking back, that was not the smartest or bravest thing to do. The braver thing would have been to figure out how to be a single mom of 4 children under the age of 10. The braver thing would have been to give myself enough credit to not have to marry a man I knew didn't love me.
But, that's hindsight. I thought I was being brave and smart. I thought I was doing it for the children and they would grow up and thank me someday. Note to self: "If you ever do something under the notion you will be thanked some day, DO NOT DO IT!!"
Do it because you think it's best. Do it because you believe it's a good idea at that moment. But NEVER do something you think you will get thanked for in the future. You may. But, chances are -- YOU WON'T!!
My name is Michelle. I have six children and 7 grandchildren. This blog is about what I have learned in my 52 years here. So far, it's this simple - I thought I needed to figure out everything - turns out I don't.