STAY WITH ME
I am standing in front of the whole school. The announcer is getting ready to tell everyone who the next homecoming queen is going to be. I see last year's homecoming queen waiting in front of us to put the crown on whoever has won. I'm trying to read her face, but I don't think she knows.
"The homecoming queen for the class of 1982 is Juliet Dowling."
This is one of the most surreal moments of my life. At first, a huge wave of relief has swept over me.
"Thank God!" I hear myself say.
Then, instantly, comes a sadness that it wasn't me. I look over towards the direction she was standing. There are swarms of people around hugging her. I make my way towards Juliet and give her a genuine hug. I am so happy for her. She really does deserve it. I know I don't. It doesn't take my sadness away but it sure helps to see one of my best friends so excited.
She doesn't even know I'm pregnant. No one but Brian and I know. We are going to tell his brother before we leave so someone will know what is going on with us. I can't really tell Wayne. I'm not sure what he would say, and I don't want to blow up any of our plans.
Let's groove tonight
Share the spice of life
Baby slice it right
We're gonna groove tonight
Earth, Wind & Fire
Tonight is the bonfire and dance. Every Thanksgiving eve, Emmaus holds a bonfire in the field behind the high school. It feels like the whole town comes out for this event. I don't even feel like going this year. A part of me has really disconnected from all of these traditions. After the bonfire, we have a dance, but the football players can't stay out late anyway because of the game tomorrow.
Brian thinks we should make an appearance and try to have as much fun as we can. It's weird. Brian and I are living out a very strange fantasy. Here we are playing typical high school teenagers, except we are having a baby. We play our roles really well. We both show up for class every day. We do typical things like parties, movies, etc. and then when we are alone, we talk about the baby.
We talk about whether or not it is a boy or girl. And, sometimes we try to figure out how we are going to live together after I have the baby even though he will still be in high school.
I think about how I'm going to handle a baby and how this is going to play out with our parents. But, for the most part, I don't really worry about it. I trust that even if God is mad at me for getting pregnant again, it is still going to be ok.
There is something really deep down inside of me that doesn't believe God is mad. How can He be? Everything I've done I don't regret. Did I want to be homecoming queen? Yes, a part of me did.
Then, my mind goes to, if I had a choice between carrying Brian's baby or being homecoming queen, I'd pick pregnant every time.
I know some people would think that's crazy, but they haven't been me.