STAY WITH ME
I detest the smell of a doctor's office. I never liked going to the doctor. But since going to the hospital to visit my dad, I hate hospitals more. My mom and I are sitting alone in the waiting room. It feels like we've been here all day, but it has probably only been about 15 minutes. It is really small, almost claustrophobic.
Finally, the nurse lets us into the examining room and tells me to undress completely as she hands me a robe. I have never had this kind of physical and it is really embarrassing. I just want to run out of the room and not deal with this at all. It doesn't feel fair that I have to go through this and Brian isn't going through anything. I don't even know why I am thinking about him when he has all but forgotten me.
I'm sitting on the table as the doctor walks in. I realize right away he is not being very friendly towards me. He is barely looking at me and talking about me to my mom. It makes me feel like a kid with their hand caught in the candy jar. He asks my mom about all of my symptoms as he lays me down on the table. He starts feeling my stomach really hard with a lot of pressure and I keep pushing his hands away. He hurts so much. Then, he has me put my feet in these stirrup holders as he examines me. I just want to die. I have never felt so bad about myself as I do at this exact moment.
All the while, he stops talking. He has his nurse come in and draw some blood and tells my mom they will call her with the results. He really didn't even confirm or want to talk about me being pregnant. The only indication I received from him that I might be is a nod he gave to my mom.
I can't even talk to her as we walk home. She is chain smoking and deep in thought and I am trying not to throw up in the street. I am coming to terms with the amount of pain this must be causing her, but in a weird way, I really don't understand why. She had me at this age. Why is she so upset with me? She doesn't act like it all the time, but I can sense her disappointment.
What I want, you've got
And it might be hard to handle
But like the flame that burns the candle
The candle feeds the flame You Make My Dreams Come True
When I get home, I go immediately to my room. I want to be left alone to deal with what just happened to me. I feel so invaded and exposed. As soon as I close my eyes, the phone rings and it is Brian.
He asks me if I am ok. I lie and say yes. Then he asks if we can go to the movies on Sunday. I said, "Sure." Says he misses me. Whatever. After what I had just been through, it is hard to even be nice to him. I didn't even tell him about the appointment. What's the point? What can he say that is going to make me feel better? Is this what love is supposed to feel like? I hope not. He has told me almost every day since March he loves me. I tell him I'm pregnant and I don't hear from him in five days.
How is that love? I'm not feeling loved. I feel a lot of things, but that is not one of them. The word "love" is very confusing to me anyway.
When the person who you think is your protector and says he loves you but can not protect himself from you since you were two years old, no one else stands a chance.