THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD
Let me know the way...
The first characteristic of sexual and/or love addiction is this:
Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them.
I definitely have this problem. Only by the grace of God, I have not had very many sexual partners in my life, but not because of any real moral reason. It wasn't something I was trying to control. Its just how my life turned out.
Since I met Brian in high school and was married to him until I was 27 years old, I didn't have sex with anyone but him until things fell apart in our marriage. But, I fell head over heels in love with Brian almost immediately. And then, after Brian, I began to become attached to people very quickly.
I don't wait until I really know someone before I fall in love with them. Then, once I am in love, I will do anything for them. The emotions I had for Brian from the very beginning were so overwhelming, I don't even know how he handled it. We were both so young and my need for someone to love me was so strong.
I don't know why I was so empty. Even today, the emptiness is still there. It doesn't make sense to me. I just know it's true.
Since the relationship I had with my father was so unhealthy, it may have damaged my ability to understand what a healthy relationship looks like. I have an intense desire to be loved, truly loved. I will do anything to make it happen. If my attempts in doing so fail and the emptiness returns, then, and only then, I mentally move on.
I can feel it coming before it happens though. I guess I should be thankful for that. A lot of people can just cut others off without warning. I sense my attempts failing and know that just around the corner is total numbness.
The process I am in now with my therapist is how to not be numb anymore. I need to learn how to fill the empty feeling I am having by learning how to love myself more.
I truly don't believe I am going to find fulfillment in my life until I learn how to do this. And the thought that scares me the most is this:
Can I love myself enough to not need other people to fill that hole?