THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD
Anyway you'll never know...
The fourth characteristic of sex/love addiction is:
"We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued."
Some of these characteristics speak more loudly and clearly than others. This one is about as loud as it gets. I can not get any more confused about love than I have been and still am.
When you have been sexually abused, there is no escaping the confusion. What my experience was with my father may not be the same as everyone's. If I had a roomful of people who had all experienced sexual abuse directly from their father, we would all agree that we do not understand love.
I had a counselor explain it to me like this once. She said the problem with my father was that he loved me too much. I do not believe that statement. I did at one time because it helped me to feel like he loved me more than anyone else.
The truth is he didn't love me more or hate me more than anyone else. He was just messed up. It is that simple. I could spend decades trying to analyze why he was messed up, how he became messed up and on and on.
The point is it doesn't matter. All I need to do is be aware that he was just messed up. The only reason he chose me to abuse was because he was a coward.
I was a toddler when it began. He had all the power. I had none. Only cowards choose their victims to be helpless.
The end result of this became my confusion. I came to realize how messed up he was, but it was too late. I had already fallen in love with him and also loved his attention. I had already put together in my mind, attention meant love. Sex meant love.
Oh So Much Love
That You've Never Seen
Let's Make Love
Put Your Trust In Me
And what did I want more than anything else - LOVE. Pure and simple. I wanted and still want to be loved. He taught me the only way to experience love was through attention and sex.
I have lived more years here without him than with him and I still have a hard time being able to tell the difference. I can explain it to my children. My brain knows the difference.
If only my heart could feel it.