There is a part of me that feels guilty for not picking up the phone on Wednesday, but really what was I going to say. "Stick around. It's going to get better." I didn't know if that was the case. Could I tell him his sons would eventually call him? I didn't know that was true either. I couldn't lie to him. Actually, I'm surprised he hung around as long as he did. Whether or not he committed suicide on purpose or his body just gave out from all the drug and alcohol abuse, we will probably never know. It doesn't matter really.
I want you to tell me he is happy now. I'll take any kinds of clues you can give me. I want him to tell me he's so much better now. Everyone always says that when someone dies. And, I know it's true. But, I still want to hear it.
I want to hear that life here is so much easier than we make it out to be. I want to hear that the things I think are important are not important at all. I want to hear that there is some kind of purpose other than just helping each other to survive. I don't believe that. I don't believe we come here just to be a support system to everyone else who chose to be here.
I think we can help each other through life, but that can't just be it. There can't be these big tests to see if we can actually pass. There also can't just be lessons that we need to keep going.
It also can't be that we don't want anyone to die so we don't have to miss them. If we didn't know that there was some happiness to be gained here, I don't believe we would have chosen to come.
You don't buy tickets to Disney World to expect it to be hard and not fun. Who would go? You go to have fun. You expect fun to be happening while you are there.
You don't go to Disney World and think, "Oh, crap, I had no idea how unfun this is."
You go because you expect that from the minute you get there until you leave, you will be having tons of fun. The lines can be annoying. The crowds can be claustrophobic. But, at the end of the day, did you experience fun? Were the crowds and lines worth the rides? Would you go back to Disney?
So, if this is the case - and I believe it is - we make Disney World way harder than it has to be. We complain. We have expectations and we pay for it all.
When life becomes more unfun than fun - I don't want to be here anymore either. If I can't figure out how to have fun, I see no point.
Jeff was not having fun. That was evident. I wish he would have been, but that's just the selfish part of me talking.
I know you are happy he is there. I know you understand why he didn't want to be here anymore.
I know you both can hear me, but please give him a hug for me.
He will understand.