It's almost like I'm growing tired of even caring about what I want - if that makes any sense. Then, I think - no, that just sounds pathetic and pitying. Of course, I should care about what I want.
When I was little and I learned about praying in Sunday School, the teachers would always say, "Ask God for whatever you want and you will receive it." I think that's the worst thing you can tell a child. I know, for me, I did what they said, asked for all kinds of things and got nothing. It set me up to not believe that at all.
I know now what they were talking about, and I do believe I can have anything I want. The trickier part comes when what I want is different than what someone else wants. I will always be the first one to back away. Whether it's not worth the hassle or whether I don't want to fight about it, I'm now at a stage of fighting for something and not really caring about it at all.
I think I should care more, but then I look back and see how the things I really, really wanted, I got and not at the expense of someone else not getting what they wanted.
So maybe it's not so self-pitying after all. Maybe I just have this sense that whatever I want is going to happen no matter what it looks like I'm not fighting for. I don't believe you should have to fight for anything.
Did I fight for the sun to come up today? Or, did it just come up?
Since that's the biggest blessing so far today, I'll use it.
You were a fighter. You didn't back down to anyone. I'm not. You said I was so much like you. But, really, I'm not. I feel like I'm actually the farthest thing from you I could get.
Hopefully, you are happy about that.
It is what it is...