I was so sick last night.  It felt like the morning would never get here.  I don't remember being this sick since Zac was in Iraq.  I have so much to do today, I do not have time for my stomach to be acting up.  All night I kept trying to think of things to get better, but this morning I decided I'm just going to be better.

It reminded me of all the years you spent sick.  I really don't know how you did it.  I have so little patience for this.  You either really wanted to or you didn't know how to be better.

I looked up Louise Hayes' Heal app and she says that stomach problems are attributed to fear.  I know that when you get sick is not when you are feeling it.  It happens way before and your body needs time to catch up to the emotion.  Since the word "fear" has always defined my life, it's not a stretch to think at any given moment I'm in fear.  I think most people are.  

And, it's not like I don't have a lot of things to be afraid of. If I wanted to, I could sit here and list them.  But, I think the best thing to do is to pay as little attention to them as I can.  Actually, how about no attention.  I'll just let them pass through me.  And, every stomach cramp will remind me of them leaving my body.  They are fighting to stay in there.  They want me to pay attention to them.  I can feel it.

But, that's the best thing ever.  I will send all my fears the love they need to keep them quiet and thank them for stopping by.  It was a nice visit.  You made me think a lot.  Have a great day and remember, there is nothing to fear.  There's nothing serious going on here.

It is what it is...

So, I've been 50 for a month now.  I have to say it feels better than I could have ever imagined.  You never got here.  You were always so scared to get older and I truly believe that's part of why you never had to.  I wish you would have known it wasn't that scary.

Yesterday, I felt myself inhale like I've never inhaled before.  It's over.  The divorce is final.  Papers are signed.  I can inhale and exhale and feel a life I haven't felt since the day I got pregnant with Annie.  I was 30 and my life changed for the next 20 years.  Looking back, did I know it would?  I guess.  I knew the decision to have her and face whatever happens was not going to be that easy.  Did I understand the drama?  Not in a million years.  But, Annie, Ian and Ethan are my reward.  

You were so young when Wayne and I were born.  I don't think you ever could appreciate us growing older as much as I can appreciate it.  Especially now, with just Ian and Ethan at home.  I look at them every morning and realize one morning I will wake up and they will have moved on.

I've been a mom for almost 28 years and I've seen it happen again and again.  And, it does happen.  I used to think I could stop it, but I now know I can't.

Life keeps moving and changing in what seems slow until the day you wake up and they are gone.  Then, it was like an instant.

Since Keil was the only baby of mine you held, I always feel the need to tell you about them all.  I know you know, but I think the pleasure comes from the telling.  Every once in a while I'll catch a glimpse of you in one of them.  I try to figure out which child you would have related to the easiest.  Especially, since I know the ones Mom did.

But, I know you would have enjoyed something special in each of them.  Since Zac was conceived the month you passed on, I always looked at him as a part of you.  Nana would always say with every passing of someone in a family, a baby is born.  And, he was that baby.  He's definitely a ham like you were, but he's so different too.  He never leaves his wife and children at home to do anything.

I'm not trying to be critical.  It's just a fact.  And, maybe since you didn't appreciate us and Mom the way you could have, there's a part of you in Zac telling him to appreciate it all.  

So, I'm moving on to what feels like a big, scary world with no net.  I actually haven't had a net since Mom died and I've made it three years since then.  Maybe it's the lack of net that helps people move on.  If there's always a net, is there any reason to learn how to stay on the wire?

It is what it is...

You have no idea how much I wish you were here today.  Ok, ok, I know you are.  But, I need some real words.  You were so good at understanding people.  I want to hear what you have to say.

I try to understand where people are coming from.  I think a huge part of understanding is realizing everyone is in pain in one form or another.  Even me.  I react out of pain and so does everyone else.

When you see someone strike, instead of getting defensive, you need to see the pain behind the strike.  When you see someone lose their temper, you need to see the helplessness preceding the actual meltdown.

I try to learn from my past without dwelling on it or blaming it for my present.  When I think about the times you were in pain, your frustration was so clear.  I feel this urge to become a bitch.  To make my stance, in a way.  I have done it in the past, but I don't seem to be able to muster that kind of determination.

I can be the bigger bitch, but to what end?  To show that I can?  It doesn't seem very purposeful.  I think where I'm at right now is letting it all go.  Letting what will be BE.  And, not feeling one way or another about it.  Understanding that I am now realizing what was there yesterday.  So, I can not look there.  I can look at something happy and just be happy.

I can be happy where I stand no matter what and look forward to tomorrow as the day where I reap today's happiness.  Nothing has to be sad.  And, the weird thing is, I feel like I should be anxious because that's normal.  What's so normal about feeling bad?  I just remember thinking the only way to feel about certain situation is bad.  So, I should feel bad.

When you died, I wasn't that sad.  At the time, I wanted you to be where you wanted to be.  I cried at the loss of not having you around.  I felt sorry for myself when I saw other people's dads do great things for them.  I felt sad when I felt like you couldn't help me anymore.

But, here's what I know now.  You are helping me way more now with a way better perspective than you ever had here.

So, why don't I feel stressed today?  Because I KNOW that.  I don't just know it.  I KNOW IT.  Today is a great day meant for great things.  I do know where I am headed and it all begins with being happy today.

You never said, "It is what it will be."  You said,

It is what it is...